Hey Love, I’ve written about you. Falling in and out of you to be exact….
In my perfect world, I’d walk towards him at the airport, give him a stare in which he’ll say “what?”. And there, I’ll just say it…”I love you”. Either that or I’ll ask him “guess what?” just so that he can say “what?”. As a perfectionist, I want the moment to be special of course. Me just saying it wouldn’t be enough. I want it to be natural, the song of triumph to play as I find the opportunity, those 2 seconds with no noise/interruption and catch him off-guard. I want this to be a moment I’ll never forget. Would he say it back? or say nothing and make me feel rejected like that day I surprised him with his favorite cologne.
The day arrived, landed at JFK. He looked stunning of course. The words just hung out beneath my tongue.
I woke up in tears. And in order to not drive myself insane, I thought writing would ease me up a bit. This whole thing has me losing myself. I’ve been contemplating and even rehearsing how I would tell him I love him, yet that speech remains stuck in my throat. Two weeks ago I texted him “How much do you love me?” He didn’t respond.
We spoke the next day and he said he loved “us”. He said by him saying he loves me, he’d be placing all his eggs in one basket. *ouch
I finally told him! We were heading downtown on the 6. A male passenger said “Isn’t being in love nice?”
He didn’t say anything. Stranger added “I can tell she loves you by the way she looks at you”. I blushed and would’ve done anything to disappear in that moment in time. I kept silent and pretended to not hear the guy. I wondered what he thought all the way going local downtown.
Later that night, after having a few too many drinks. I told him in the middle of the dance floor. He said it right back, no hesitation.
We went to a wedding this past weekend. Our time there was calm, relaxing and full of laughter. During the wedding reception, he got closer to me as we slow danced and whispered “don’t get any ideas”. Which of course I tried not to…he should’ve warned me earlier.
We haven’t argued lately. I passed my licensure exam this morning! My therapist is recommending EMDR treatment in our sessions. I’m honestly uneasy about going into my childhood memories.
I did Yoga yesterday. Instead of Hot Yoga, I tried Vinyasa, its very flowy and certainly something to get use to. I gave it my all during those 60 mins and in a room at 100 degrees! I was fighting with myself to close-out the practice without any negativity. The instructor began reading “The Invitation”. So I laid there and I began to cry with a smile. Those words spoke to me again.
I’ve fallen from the tops of my self-worth. I can’t seem to wrap my head around what’s going on. Maybe it’s still too new and even from the very beginning I knew it was too good to be true. I’ve cried to sleep lately, letting my tears hit the pillow silently, yet I want to yell your eardrums out. Reality has checked in, I must’ve been in some deep trance, but this feels so real and I’d rather go back to dreaming.
He broke up with me today.
He called me this morning, to tell me he loves me and misses me. He then asked “where do we stand?”
What the fuck does he think he’s asking me? That moment you doubted me was the same moment I began giving up.
I went to see him today. woke up around 6:30am and left my house at 7:30am. Last time we met just us two, it was back in March. We held hands this time. Last time we touched was the day he broke up with me.
I must be out of my mind. He got me so upset, but instead of confronting him, I’ll write about it like always. Deal with it on my own and like every-fucking-thing else, I don’t say shit. I came home today, he arrived a little after. He went straight to using his laptop and we got physical, purely sexual. He didn’t even look at me. Nothing intellectual, no substance. It’s now 11pm and he’s knocked out. I’ll probably caress his head and watch tv until I knock out. This is what I waited for.
I was considering purchasing him a movado watch for Valentine’s/4 year-ish anniversary but I decided not to since he said he didn’t want to exchange gifts this year. He said they weren’t his priority this year.
I’m fucking livid. We had yet another argument this morning because I turned him down in the shower. I was running late and my mind was occupied after finding out my grandfather was in the hospital and even more so I was pissed I found out through Facebook.
He broke up with me that night of my last entry (3/5/15). I haven’t written because this shit is too painful. I read my previous entries and I should’ve seen this coming. I have this twisted scenario replaying in my mind, where he’d be home by the time I get in. He’ll apologize and realize what a big mistake he’s made… yet again.
But each day passes, he isn’t here and I’m losing hope.